Blog- Understanding my cycle
Will I regret not having kids?
Deciding whether to have kids is a huge decision. Whatever you choose, you may always wonder: What if? Should I have kids? Will I regret not having them? Here are some things to consider before having a baby (or not).
Ask yourself some tough questions
Now’s the time to be very honest with yourself:
- Am I feeling pressured by my partner/friends/family/society?
- Am I in a good place mentally, physically and financially to consider this decision?
- Will I be a good mom/dad/parent?
- Do I have any hereditary medical conditions to consider?
- Do I have the time, patience and interest?
- Do I really want a baby or is it just hormones?
Do a lot of talking
When making a decision this big, it might be helpful to ask for the perspective of others. Talk to your friends who have kids and those who don’t. How did they know they made the right decision? Are they happy with their choice? If you have a partner, talk to them. Consider reaching out to a therapist to help you organize your thoughts and feelings.
Keep in mind that sometimes our well-intentioned loved ones may be very passionate about their choices and insist that any other choice is wrong. It’s up to you to take their experiences with a grain of salt and keep an open mind.
Be a realist
Having kids is more than sweet moments and celebrating their milestones. There will be messes, illnesses, tantrums and hardships unlike any others in life. It will be hard on you and all your relationships, but the reward of being a parent may be worth it for you.
It’s also important to remember that kids are small humans: They’ll eventually be totally autonomous beings with their own thoughts, feelings, unique qualities and flaws. If you’re having kids with the hope that they’ll be exactly like you and/or your partner, prepare to be disappointed! They may not be exactly like you, but encouraging them to grow into their own person can be very rewarding.
Some people choose to have children in the hopes that they’ll keep them company/take care of them as they age. While many cultures prioritize this type of care, it’s unwise to count on it. What if your grown child chooses to live far away? Would you expect them to uproot their life for you?
Consider your finances
Having a child is a big — and ongoing — expense. According to research done by The Brookings Institution in 2022, the “...total average family expenditures on a child born in 2015 to a middle-class family with two children, adjusted for higher expected future inflation, would be $310,605.”1 This figure doesn’t include a lot of unknowns, like childcare, any medical complexities your child may have, college or additional tutoring, or clubs or extracurriculars they may become involved in.
Look to the future
Think about your future in a big picture way. Imagine your most ideal reality. What does it look like? Are you retiring early and traveling the world? Focusing on your career? Training for a marathon? Does your future include big family gatherings and caring for children?
While the future is never certain, it might be helpful to write two sets of five-, 10- and 25-year plans, one imagining you have kids and one imagining you don’t. How do they look and feel? Are there non-negotiables that you may miss out on if you go with one path or the other? If you’re really on the fence about whether you’ll want kids in the future and you feel like your timeline is being pressured due to your age, you might consider freezing your eggs.
Remember that there are always ways to be involved
There are plenty of opportunities to be involved with kids without having children of your own. You could volunteer for an organization like Big Brothers Big Sisters, or coach or tutor at local schools or a house of worship. You could also give your family and friends a much-needed break by offering to babysit for them. Who doesn’t love being the fun aunt or uncle? If you’re looking for more of a commitment, fostering can be extremely rewarding. There are, unfortunately, no guarantees in life. Realistically, if you choose to have kids, there may be days you wish you hadn’t. If you don’t have kids, there may be days you wish you had. Whatever you choose, your life can be fun, fulfilling and meaningful.
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Source
- Sawhill IV, Welch M, Miller C, The Brookings Institution. It’s getting more expensive to raise children. And the government isn’t doing much to help. Updated August 30, 2022. Accessed March 22, 2024. https://www.brookings.edu/articles/its-getting-more-expensive-to-raise-children-and-government-isnt-doing-much-to-help/
