Childfree by choice: How to respond to prying questions

First comes love, then comes marriage, and then comes… the baby and the baby carriage? But what if tiny humans aren’t part of your happily ever after? While more people are choosing the childfree lifestyle,^1,2 many still face stigma, judgment, and intrusive questions. How should you navigate conversations with family, friends, acquaintances, or even strangers? And how do you shut down rude comments with confidence? These tips may help.

Being childfree by choice is more common than you may think

Researchers have long studied fertility, but only recently have they begun examining why some people choose not to have children. And the findings are surprising!  A 2022 study of 1,500 adults in Michigan found that 21.64% simply don’t want to have kids!¹

Interestingly, this study also found that many women in their late 30s reported having already known in their teens and 20s that they didn’t want to have children. Researchers noted that “the large number of early articulators, together with women’s reported persistence in their decision not to have children, could point to changing norms toward parenthood and increasing recognition of the childfree choice as a viable alternative.”¹ 

Another key finding: a 2021 study of non-parents ages 18 to 49 found that 44% were “not too likely” or “not at all likely” to have children someday.² And the main reason why? More than half (56%) simply didn’t want to.²

Common scenarios you may encounter and how to respond

Even though choosing to be childfree is common, you may still encounter uncomfortable, or even frustrating conversations with family, co-workers, friends, or strangers. Regardless of whether the question comes from genuine curiosity or passive aggression, there are various ways of responding: boldly, subtly, or with humor. Every situation is different, and how you choose to respond may vary from day to day, and that’s perfectly OK!

“When are you having kids?”

• “I’m not having kids.” This response is honest and to the point. You don’t owe anything more.
• “I hope you understand that this is not something I want to discuss.” This response sets a clear boundary while keeping things polite. Just because someone asks doesn’t mean you’re obligated to reveal personal information. This response also gently signals that the question is inappropriate.
• “You’ve asked this before. Why is it important to you when/if I have kids?” If someone is repeatedly asking you this question, this response shifts the focus back to them, hopefully encouraging self-reflection and signaling that it’s time to drop the question.
• “I’m focused on my career/travel/hobby right now.” It’s OK to be vague, avoid confrontation or steer the conversation elsewhere. Choosing to be childfree doesn’t mean you have to be the voice of the childfree community! Sometimes simply changing the conversation is a win.

“But you would be such a good parent!”

• “Thank you!” Accept the compliment and move on.
• “I know — I’m an amazing aunt. Just ask my niece!” This response serves as a reminder that parenting and caregiving skills can be used in many different ways (with a sprinkle of humor as well).
• “I also make killer cupcakes, but I’m not giving up all my other dreams to open a bakery.” Just because someone is good at something doesn’t mean they need to devote their life to it. Life is full of possibilities, and part of the fun is choosing which doors to open and which ones to leave closed.
• “No. I would not. Have you seen the last houseplant I bought?” Make them laugh and steer the conversation in another direction.

“Wait until you have your own kids. It’s totally different. You’ll see!”

• “You don’t need to try out everything in life to know whether or not it’s something you want to do.” People choose to be childfree for many reasons, including personal observations or their own childhood experience. Firsthand experience isn’t always necessary when it comes to making a well-informed decision.
• “My decision has nothing to do with liking babies or kids. There are many other personal reasons I don’t want to have kids.” Being childfree by choice isn’t just about liking or disliking kids. People may choose not to have kids for many reasons, including career goals, education, travel aspirations, social and economic factors, and more.
• “I really don’t like kids. Seriously, why would I risk that?” It’s perfectly okay to not like kids or babies—and to decide not to have them for that reason. Not liking kids doesn’t make you a bad person.
• “Um, I’ve been watching you with your kids for years. I’m pretty sure it won’t be different, but nice try!” This is a bit of humor that may go over well with a close family member or friend.

“It’s kind of selfish, don’t you think? If you can have kids, don’t you think you should?”

• “The work/volunteering I do makes a real difference, and I wouldn’t be able to continue the way I do now if I had kids.” Let’s face it: Kids take up a lot of time, and it’s ok to want to spend that on other pursuits. That free time allows you to contribute to the world in ways that align with your passions.
• “It is selfish! Isn’t that wonderful? That I’m able to choose how I want to live my life?” This wasn’t always an option for women and being able to make that choice is a form of empowerment.
• “I think it would be more selfish to have a child I don’t really want and not be the best parent I could be.” This is another great way to flip the argument around.

“Aren’t you worried you’re going to regret this later, when you’re too old to have kids?”

• “I love the life I’ve built for myself and the future I foresee. My life doesn’t have to look like yours for me to be happy.” Happiness can mean many different things and is highly personal.
• “I’m very comfortable with my choice.” Make it clear that you’ve given this a lot of thought already.
• “If I do, there are so many options, including fostering, adoption or hanging out with your cool kids!” You may not ever change your mind, but if you do, there are lots of wonderful and creative ways to parent.
• “OK, and if I have kids and regret it — then what?” Flip that question around.

“I was really hoping for a grandchild.”

• “I know you loved raising me and you want me to have that same experience. But just because you loved being a parent doesn’t mean I will, too.” Your parents or in-laws may need a reminder that even though you’re related, you may want different things out of life.
• “I love you, but this is my decision.” You may at some point have to set clear boundaries. This is not their decision to make.
• “I know you always want me to be happy, and this is what will make me happy.” Gently remind them that this is a highly personal decision about you, not them.
• “You’ll just have to borrow someone else’s!” Don’t let them guilt trip you! A little bit of humor here can help, too.

Taking control of your reproductive health looks different for everyone, and setting boundaries in conversations about your choice to have children is an important step.  While people in your life may have questions about why you choose to be childfree, it’s comforting to know that thousands of others are going through similar experiences. Embracing the benefits of being childfree, such as having more time, freedom, and resources, can also bring empowerment. You have the power to control the narrative when these questions arise—and that’s something worth owning.

Related Articles

• Should I have kids? Five questions to consider
• How to handle bad conversation starters about having kids
• Am I ready to have a baby? 12 questions to ask