Should I have kids? Five questions to consider

Whether it comes from a well-meaning family member or a curious colleague, the question “When are you going to have kids?” can be uncomfortable to answer. For many people, that answer feels uncertain. Having children is an extremely personal choice influenced by a variety of factors, from your relationship status or financial implications of raising children to your access to important resources — or even just your desire.

So, how do you know if you want kids? We want to reassure you it’s OK to be on the fence — the decision to not have kids is just as valid as the decision to try to conceive. Here are five questions to weigh as you figure it out.

Question 1: What are my reasons to have or not to have kids?

If your feelings about having kids change daily, take the time to clarify your thoughts. A simple pros-and-cons list can help you approach the choice objectively. While everyone’s list will be different based on their circumstances, an example could look something like this:

Jotting down your thoughts in any format, whether a list, journal, or mind map, can help you better understand your motivations.

Question 2: Am I feeling pressure from other people?

Societal expectations about parenthood are a looming factor in deciding if it’s time to have children, and the expectations of others can alienate women, men and couples who are unsure if they want children. Rest assured, you’re not the odd ones out. Birth rates in the United States are at their lowest since 1979.¹ More women are deciding to either not have kids at all, or choosing to have them later in life, both of which are perfectly viable options. Here are a few ideas on how to navigate specific pressures:

From your parents or family

While grandkids are a blast, your family members aren’t the ones staying up all night with a baby or paying for childcare. As important as it is to respect our family members and their input, it’s also crucial to set firm boundaries. Be honest with your family about your reasoning, while shielding yourself from guilt trips.

From your friends

Are all your friends suddenly having babies except you? It’s easy to panic and think you’re behind, but that’s not the case. Try to focus on your journey without comparing it with others’. And find joy in being the cool aunt or uncle to any newborns in your life!

From your partner

One of the most intense pressures to have children may come from your spouse or partner. If you aren’t seeing eye to eye, look for ways to compromise. Make space for candid conversations so you can get to the root of potential pain points. Is it timing? The number of kids? The physical or emotional stress of childbirth? Getting to the bottom of what matters to both of you is key to finding common ground.

From your biological clock

OK, this one might not be a person, but the pressures of time and biological constraints can still be very daunting. While it’s true that fertility starts to decline in your 30s and rapidly declines from your mid-30s,² women ages 30 to 34 currently have the highest birth rate in the US.¹ There are both risks and benefits to waiting, but that shouldn’t be your sole deciding factor.

If biological children aren't part of your plan, the world is full of children who need love. Looking into alternatives to having kids—such as adoption, fostering, mentoring, or volunteering—is a great way to remain open to different possibilities.

Question 3: How will I approach parenting?

It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of having a baby, but that’s only the first step. How will you share parenting duties with your partner? Who will be the caregiver for your child during the day? How will you set boundaries and discipline your kid? What will communication look like as they grow up? Detailing your personal parenting philosophy — whether it’s very similar or vastly different than the one you grew up with — is a foundational step that might reveal if children are a good fit for your vision of the future.

Question 4: What are the key factors I should consider before having children?

Logistics such as finances, your living situation, your life partner and more might be the biggest considerations for becoming a parent. Waiting until you feel emotionally, physically and financially prepared is a wise action plan to prepare for kids. Keep in mind trying that no matter how well-prepared you are, even trying to get pregnant can trigger a wide range of emotions and unexpected challenges.

Question 5: Am I making my own choices?

If you’re still on the fence, you’re not alone. The uncertainty you're facing is a normal experience when approaching such a life-changing choice. Amidst all the above considerations, and despite any cultural stigma surrounding childlessness, remember that you hold the ultimate authority on whether or not having kids is right for you. Honor and recognize that the decision is yours — not anyone else’s.