Managing pregnancy envy while trying to conceive

Pregnancy envy (also described as infertility jealousy) is the feeling of sadness, jealousy, grief or frustration you may feel when someone else gets pregnant while you’re trying to conceive (TTC). If you’re feeling this way, you are not alone — and it does not mean you’re a bad person.

Maybe you’ve felt pregnancy envy while TTC — that heart-stopping moment when you see a friend’s social media pregnancy announcement, and you’ve been TTC for over a year. Or maybe you’ve had to navigate potential pregnancy envy after finding you are unexpectedly pregnant and have to share the news with your best friend who has had a difficult TTC journey.

You might even think: Why is everyone pregnant but me? This is one of the most common emotional experiences during a long TTC journey — and one of the most isolating, even though so many people share it. 

Here we unpack pregnancy envy: what it is, how it can feel and how to cope with jealousy and pregnancy announcements when you’re TTC. We also share some advice on how you can manage these feelings, creating even stronger bonds.

What is pregnancy envy?

Pregnancy envy is a mix of difficult emotions — often grief, jealousy, sadness or anger — that can happen when someone else is pregnant and you want to be pregnant too. It’s especially common when dealing with infertility or long TTC journeys. And although pregnancy envy is a very normal experience, no one wants to feel envious, so it often comes with an added layer of guilt or shame.

Is it normal to feel this way?

Absolutely! It’s normal to experience mixed emotions when others get pregnant while you're trying to get pregnant yourself. These feelings do NOT mean you’re selfish or a bad friend.

In the U.S., about one in five people are unable to get pregnant after one year of trying, and about one in four have difficulty carrying a pregnancy to term.¹ That means pregnancy envy — painful as it is — is a shared experience for a significant portion of people trying to conceive.

Here's something that makes pregnancy envy particularly hard to navigate: You can genuinely feel happy for someone and heartbroken for yourself at the same time. Both emotions can exist together, and neither one cancels out the other. Feeling envious doesn't make you a bad person — it makes you someone dealing with difficult emotions while still showing up with care for the people around you.

What causes this feeling?

Studies show that TTC can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression.^2,3 Those struggling to conceive also report feeling a loss of control and isolation, in part because they often don’t share their stories with family members or friends.² Studies have also shown that when sharing TTC stories with loved ones, the responses from family and friends can sometimes cause more stress than support— leading many people who are trying to get pregnant to pull back from social interactions.³

As an added layer, the heartache that can accompany the TTC journey is unique in that it’s often cyclical. Among friends, this can be especially difficult. As the calendar pages turn, one friend’s belly grows while another friend receives crushingly sad news, again and again. And if you’re TTC, each month can bring hope, waiting, testing and sometimes disappointment — which can make seeing others get pregnant especially painful.

For many people, infertility jealousy isn’t really about another person — it’s about the grief, uncertainty and loss of control that can accompany a long fertility journey.

How does pregnancy envy feel?

For some people, this jealousy pregnancy envy may exist as a little tug at the heart every once in a while. For others, it may be a constant, quiet ache. Pregnancy envy often shows up as strong emotional reactions to pregnancy announcements, baby showers, or seeing pregnant strangers — especially when you’re TTC. It may also reveal itself unexpectedly. Here’s what pregnancy envy can look like when trying to get pregnant:

• Wondering why it’s taking you so much longer to get pregnant in comparison
• Inexplicable feelings of anger upon seeing a stranger who is pregnant
• Feelings of sadness or irritation when a baby-related commercial comes on
• Dreading the thought of attending a gender-reveal party or baby shower
• Annoyance that someone got pregnant “without even trying”
• Feeling judged by family members or friends that you aren’t pregnant yet
• Desperately wishing your experience could look like someone else’s
• Feeling like something is wrong with you

You may have some strong feelings about yourself when thinking of a friend’s pregnancy. You may feel flawed in comparison. If your friend knows you are TTC, you may feel self-conscious. You also may feel vulnerable, sad and even, perhaps, ashamed. Pregnancy envy can feel like many different things. Whatever you’re feeling is okay and normal.

You also will likely have strong feelings toward your friend who is pregnant. While you're likely happy for your friend, that happiness may be tinged with (or overwhelmed by) feelings of jealousy. You may feel angry. You may feel one way one minute and another way the next minute — mixed emotions are to be expected.

You may also notice thoughts like:

• “Why didn’t I get pregnant?”
• “What’s wrong with me?”
• “How do I deal with infertility when everyone is getting pregnant?”

These thoughts are incredibly common — even if people don’t talk about them openly. Many people find pregnancy envy shifts or softens over time, especially with the right support and coping strategies in place. Try to remember that you won't feel this way forever — even if it's hard to believe that right now.

Do men or partners experience pregnancy envy?

Yes — partners, including men, can experience pregnancy envy or infertility jealousy too. It may just look different.

Partners may feel:

• Helpless watching you go through TTC stress
• Grief about fertility challenges
• Jealousy when friends become parents
• Pressure to “stay strong” emotionally

Some partners focus on problem-solving instead of emotional processing, which can hide their distress. Talking openly about your emotions with your partner can strengthen your relationship and help you support each other better. 

How to cope

A few proactive measures can go a long way in managing pregnancy envy, especially when it shows up within your friendships. Dealing with jealousy becomes easier when you understand where it comes from and have a plan for how to respond.

Start with honest and open communication

You've likely shared a lot with your closest friends already. A simple direct conversation, in person, on the phone or via email or text, can help you talk about these complicated feelings candidly. . Honesty and clarity make it easier to figure out what adjustments might help ease the emotional weight of pregnancy envy.

Here's the thing: Without that conversation, the other person likely has no idea what you're going through. If a friend talks about their pregnancy a lot around you, they probably don't realize how much it's affecting you. If you're pregnant and a friend seems to be pulling back, a conversation will almost always clarify things better than guessing or making assumptions.

How much you want to talk about pregnancy with each other is personal, and there’s no right answer. This is a different season of your life, and it makes sense to adapt to what you both need from the friendship. Don’t be shy about checking in and figuring things out together.

Set boundaries when you're experiencing pregnancy envy

If you’re experiencing pregnancy envy, you don’t have to be shy about telling your friend what types of things may be too difficult to talk about right now. You may not have much patience for your friend’s grumblings about nausea or the price of maternity pants, or for listening to the story about how easy it was for them to get pregnant. If you’ve recently experienced pregnancy loss, conversations about a baby on the way could be especially painful.

Talking to your friend about how you feel is often the best first step. You know your friend well, so look for a way to talk to them that will make you both comfortable. An open conversation about how their pregnancy updates are affecting you can be illuminating for them and help you both strategize about how to proceed.

Communication tips if your friend is dealing with pregnancy envy

It’s always okay to say no and take breaks when you need them. That might mean declining invites to gender reveal parties and baby showers. It could look like muting pregnant friends on social media so you’re not caught off guard by a post when you’re feeling especially vulnerable. Or it might mean skipping group hangouts where you know pregnancy will dominate the conversation.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation, though you may find it helpful to briefly share why you’re stepping back. Declining a baby shower invite, for example, could look like this: “I won’t be able to attend, but I'm thinking of you and will be cheering you on from afar.” If a gift is expected, you can always have one shipped — though it’s okay to set boundaries there as well. There will be plenty of gift-giving opportunities in this child’s life down the road.

If you need to set a boundary in the moment — during a conversation, at an event or over text — having a few short, honest responses prepared can help you protect your emotional energy without overexplaining. A few examples:

• “I’m really happy for you — I’m just having a tough time with my own TTC journey right now.”
• “Can we talk about something else for a bit?”
• “I might step outside for a few minutes.”
• “I love you and I’m excited for you — I just need a little emotional space today.”

These kinds of boundaries don’t have to be permanent to be helpful. It’s okay if what you need changes over time.

Vulnerability and honesty
If you’re TTC, the pregnancy envy you feel today may not be the same pregnancy envy you feel tomorrow. Maybe last week your friend’s ultrasound pictures hanging on their fridge made you smile. And this week? Well, let’s just say you should have gone with waterproof mascara. It’s all okay and normal. Your friends love you for being you. So be you.

Immediate relief: What to do in the moment when pregnancy envy hits

Sometimes pregnancy envy shows up suddenly. When that happens, focus first on calming your nervous system and reducing emotional intensity. Even 60–90 seconds of emotional regulation can help your brain shift out of overwhelm and make it easier to decide what you need next.

Try one or two of these mindfulness techniques the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed:

• Deep breathing exercises: Take 3–5 slow, deep breaths. Try inhaling for four seconds and exhaling for six. 
• Ground your body: Use your five senses to ground yourself in your environment. Name five things you can see, four you can feel, three you can hear, two you can smell and one you can taste.
• Create space: Step away from social media or take a short break from the conversation that triggered these feelings.
• Take a quick self-compassion reset: Put a hand on your chest, close your eyes and tell yourself, “This is really hard right now, and I’m allowed to feel this.”
• Change your environment: Go outside, switch rooms, play music, get water or something to eat.

Journaling prompts for exploring your emotions around pregnancy envy

• What am I grieving right now?
• What did I expect my timeline to look like?
• What do I need today — not long-term, just today?
• What would I say to a friend feeling this way?
   

If you’re pregnant: Supporting a friend who is trying to conceive

If you’re reading because you’re pregnant and want to support someone you care about who is TTC, know that small moments of empathy can make a big difference in protecting your relationship.

If you’re pregnant and your friend is TTC, you may be hyperaware of pregnancy envy — whether it’s openly expressed or not. Trying to conceive can be an emotionally complex time. Your friend may be navigating grief, hope, disappointment and uncertainty all at once, and it can be difficult to know what they’re feeling on any given day. The best you can do is enjoy your pregnancy while being mindful of your friend’s feelings. Many friendships become stronger through honest conversations, boundaries that 

Pregnancy envy can fluctuate, and what you need to feel good about yourself and in your friendship may shift. Authentically sharing your experience will help your friends better understand what you’re going through. Give and be open to receiving kindness when either of you do or say something you later feel bad about or regret. Recognizing pregnancy envy for what it is — a human emotional response to something deeply meaningful — can help both people move forward with more understanding and care.

When dealing with pregnancy envy, you may feel guilty for not being 100% happy and present for your pregnant friend. Your friend may say something hurtful without thinking. Allow for empathy and vulnerability, and try to listen more than you talk. Know that you will likely make a mistake, and so will your friend. We’re all human, after all! But simply recognizing pregnancy envy for what it is and taking steps to manage it with care — like you have by reading this article — will help you maintain healthy friendships and create that interpersonal support system that’s so important when TTC.

Related Blog Articles

• #Conceivinghood encourages dialogue around women’s conception journeys
• Dealing with the invisible grief of infertility — and finding support
• “Will I ever get pregnant?” Stories of hope and support for women trying to get pregnant