“Surprise” baby? How to prepare for an unplanned pregnancy

Nothing in this article is or should be construed as medical advice; for any medical questions, consult your healthcare professional.

Maybe you thought you were done having kids, or maybe you got pregnant with your first child sooner than you originally planned. Regardless of the scenario, that positive pregnancy test result can feel shocking.

Just because you didn’t plan to have a baby doesn’t necessarily mean your unplanned pregnancy is unwanted — it’s just a surprise. And the news of this unplanned pregnancy may bring a wider range of emotions, including panic, anger, disappointment, joy or sadness. You may even feel more complicated emotions, such as embarrassment or isolation. Just remember that you aren’t alone. As of 2019, about 40% of pregnancies in the United States each year are unintended.¹ Solidarity with others may help you get grounded, but how can you cope with everything you’re feeling? And how can you move forward with the next steps?

Take a moment to process your emotions

As the news sinks in, pause and give yourself time to adjust. There’s a common belief that mothers-to-be should be joyful in their pregnancy, but that’s not always the case. Allow yourself to process the shock and all the feelings that come after it. Find helpful and healthy ways to channel your emotions. That could look like writing in a journal, taking a day for self-care or venting to a friend. It could also look like screaming into a pillow or just letting yourself cry. If you don’t bottle up your feelings, odds are you’ll be in a better mindset to put a plan in place.

If it helps you process, make a list of your strengths as a caregiver and parent-to-be. During any moments of panic or doubt, this list will serve as a reassuring reminder of all the ways in which you are confident and capable.

Understand your options for unexpected pregnancy

Part of moving forward will be deciding whether or not you’re ready to become a parent or have another child. It’s one of the biggest decisions you’ll make in life, and requires you to be 100% honest with yourself. Involve your partner in the conversation if they will navigate this with you. Think about what parenthood might look like, but don’t feel pressured out of exploring other options. Your autonomy and wishes for your reproductive health are important.

Finding emotional, mental and physical support is key in navigating this time of uncertainty. Speaking with a trusted therapist, partner, friend or mentor can rally your support group to help meet your needs.

Set an appointment with a trusted healthcare professional

As with all pregnancies, after you get a positive pregnancy test result at home, you should contact a healthcare professional, who will confirm the result, discuss options and help you make a plan to move forward.

Depending on how old you are, that initial check-in with your doctor is especially important. In some cases, a pregnancy may be a surprise simply because of a woman’s age. Women who get pregnant later in life — into their mid-30s and 40s — have a higher risk of complications, for both the mother and the fetus.² Your doctor will consider any existing health conditions when they provide guidance and may also recommend prenatal screenings and diagnostic tests for potential genetic disorders.²

Make a practical plan for your unplanned pregnancy

If going into problem-solving mode is your default response to the unexpected, you might’ve already started making a to-do list as soon as you got your result. If not, making a plan can help you feel more prepared for what’s to come. Here are some things to consider sooner rather than later:

• Health: Your doctor can help you create a schedule for any check-ups or tests needed during your pregnancy. Taking care of yourself and your baby is your top priority.
• Finances:  Have the money talk, either with your partner or with yourself. Assess your current finances and get specific on what you may need to change to accommodate a new baby in your household
• Logistics:  Will you need a bigger place right away? Or could you stay in your current space until the baby gets older? Will you need a different car to fit a new car seat? Do you have support or childcare assistance nearby? Will you be able to take time off work? Questions like these are some of the biggest sources of worry when a baby is on the way. Strategize early, if possible.

It’s easy to get distracted by cute baby clothes or painting nursery walls, but try to minimize your tasks to the essentials to avoid getting overwhelmed. The same advice applies for both new parents and those who have kids. Keeping your to-do list (and shopping list) minimal will help preserve your sanity.

Give your family time to adjust

While it’s crucial to give yourself time to adjust, your family will need the same thing. Your partner’s reaction to an unexpected pregnancy might be complex, just like yours. If their immediate reaction to your positive pregnancy test isn’t what you expected, extend empathy toward what they might be going through. Make quality alone time a priority so you can connect and really listen to each other.

Unlike adults, children don’t often have developed processing skills, so your kids might not have the words to express how they’re feeling. They might have been ecstatic when you shared the news, only to become sullen or sulky in the time since. If your kids are older, they might feel uncomfortable or unsure of what emotions they should be feeling in the first place.

Like the adults in the household, give children grace for any unforeseen emotions. Make time for doing your favorite activities with your kids so they are reassured of your love, especially during this new chapter. Be honest with them about what’s happening, and prepare them for what’s to come in language they understand. Get them involved in the fun parts of planning for the baby’s arrival. Have them write notes to their new sibling, ask them to weigh in on nursery décor or invite them to help with baby-related tasks (like designing a big-sibling T-shirt or a poster to hang over the crib).

Build your support network

Regardless of whether a pregnancy is unplanned or expected, preparing for parenthood is a time when you need an encouraging, empathetic village. Find online or local support groups with others who have experienced an unplanned pregnancy. Signing up for birthing or parenting classes can connect you with other soon-to-be parents. Enlist the help of family or friends for advice and guidance. Be a fierce advocate for your own needs, whether that’s at the doctor’s office or at work. You don’t need to go through this life change alone.

Preparing for an unplanned pregnancy can be daunting and turbulent, but there are still moments of joy, excitement and anticipation to be found. It’s easy to get lost in the rush, but taking the time to meet the needs of yourself and your family is worth it.

Related Articles

• Emotions you may feel after an unplanned positive pregnancy test
• Advocating for yourself at the doctor: What to do before, during and after
• Mental health and pregnancy: Tips for managing the first few weeks