How to support your kids through puberty

Ah, puberty. A time of growth, change and (for most of us) awkwardness. We’re here to help you navigate talking to your child about puberty to help make the experience as smooth and supportive as possible.

As with many aspects of parenting, the overall themes for this topic are empathy, patience and understanding. Having empathy for your child’s experiences and instilling in them the importance of empathy for others is crucial in helping them to grow into healthy, happy adults. 

Classic puberty plights: periods, hormones and hygiene 

Periods: how to talk to your daughter about her period (and your son!)

Puberty often means the start of periods for those with a uterus. Describe to them what to expect throughout their cycle and provide the products they might need for support (pads, tampons, menstrual cups, pain relievers, a hot pad, etc.). If you’re feeling like celebrating, consider marking the occasion with a “first period” gift! A new outfit, a gift card or a special trinket might help show your love and support.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, girls can be anywhere between ages 9 and 15 when they get their first period.¹ Periods can be irregular at the start, so you may consider suggesting to your kids that they stow away some backup tampons or pads in their locker, purse or backpack just in case. 

Those who don’t get periods aren’t off the hook here! Make sure you educate and normalize periods to those who don’t have them so they can support their peers by:

• Equipping them with period products to give to their peers should they need them
• Suggesting they offer a sweatshirt or jacket if they see blood on their friend’s pants
• Reminding them NOT to say things like, “You must be on your period” or other derogatory language 

Most importantly of all: Reinforce that periods are normal and natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Period!

Hormones

Puberty is by nature a time when hormones fluctuate quite a lot, resulting in lots of big feelings. Support your kids through these ups and downs and try to avoid minimizing with language like, “You’re just a kid, you’ll understand one day” or, “These feelings will pass.” Statements like these can feel alienating and demeaning, ultimately leaving your kids feeling like they can’t confide in you. Try supportive language like, “That sounds really hard, would you like to vent or would you like some space?”

While being supportive is important, it’s equally important to remind your kids that lashing out at others or being destructive is not acceptable or productive. Helping them identify when they’re feeling overwhelmed and how to ask for help or space is crucial. It’s also beneficial for kids to have an outlet to relieve stress, whether that’s journaling, exercise, art or some other hobby to help them express and regulate their feelings. Don’t forget to teach them the importance of apologizing if they unintentionally lash out at someone they love. 

Speaking of hormones, the start of puberty and periods can also bring PMS (premenstrual syndrome). Explain what PMS is and that they may feel uncomfortable a few days before the start of their period and that – while annoying – it’s completely normal. If you notice extreme symptoms in your child, consider taking them to see a healthcare professional to make sure it’s not a more serious condition like PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). Help them find ways to ease their symptoms like taking a warm bath or going for a walk.

Hygiene

Those fluctuating hormones can come with fun changes like new smells, hair and acne. Remind them that these changes are normal, natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Consider taking your teen shopping to pick out some hygiene items like soap, shampoo and deodorant. Picking out their products and scents can make them feel more excited to use them consistently. If you have a shy teen, consider being the hygiene fairy and filling their shower and bathroom with the products necessary to keep them feeling fresh and confident.

Exploring their sexual orientation and gender identity

It’s natural for those going through puberty to explore questions around sexuality and gender identity in themselves and their peers. Educate yourself and your kids on relevant terms relating to these subjects and resources that would help start conversations or provide support for your child if they need it, like The Trevor Project (a suicide prevention and support hotline for LGBTQ+ youth) or The Youth Pride Association (an organization that promotes the acceptance of LGBTQ+ people in educational institutions). Most major cities have support groups for both kids and their parents relating to these subjects, which can be a great way to learn and build community. What’s most important is open communication and reassuring your child that you love and support them no matter what.

Teaching consent and boundaries

It’s natural for kids of this age to be curious about other people’s bodies and to start to engage in relationships with their peers. It’s crucial that your kids understand the importance of consent and boundaries, both in the confidence to say “No” and the respect of hearing it. Remind them that if they ask (as they should) and it’s not an enthusiastic “Yes,” then it’s a “No,” and if they’re ever uncomfortable, they should leave, if possible.

This is also the time to stress the importance of contraception, as the start of periods also marks the start of fertility. Even if you don’t believe your children are sexually active and it may feel uncomfortable to discuss, it’s better to arm them with all the necessary knowledge. The most important thing you can do as a parent or caregiver for a child is give them a safe space to come to you with questions, concerns or mistakes, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable.

Have a code word

Think about having a code word that your kid can use in text or on the phone if they find themselves in a tricky situation. Maybe they feel unsafe. Maybe they’re just having a bad time. Either way, have an agreed upon code — a word incorporated in a sentence, a single letter, an emoji — that if they send or say it, you’ll be there to pick them up, call them to tell them to come home, etc.  It’s important to note that this is separate from consequences: Getting your child out of a tough/scary/unsafe situation is priority one. If punishment or consequences are required, those will come later, but be sure to instill in them that you’ll help them no matter what.

Consider a “no judgment” drawer

Even if you’ve created a judgment-free environment with open communication, your kids may not feel comfortable asking for some things. Maybe they’re afraid they’ll be punished or lectured, or maybe they’re just dealing with run-of-the-mill young adult discomfort. Either way, having a drawer or box that has items your child may want/need/be afraid to ask for is a great way to keep them safe and make them feel supported. Consider adding things like: 

• Tampons and pads: These may be in the bathroom for your kids who have periods, but it’s also good for those who don’t have periods to understand what they are and how they work to better support those who do
• Condoms 
• Deodorants
• Razors and shaving cream
• Hot pads or a hot water bottle for cramps
•  A list of support hotlines: Include numbers or sites for organizations like NAMI, Planned Parenthood, The Trevor Project

Even if your kid never uses the items, just being able to hold some of them, read the packaging or indulge their curiosity could help them have the confidence to use them or ask for them in the future.

Puberty can be a confusing, messy, complicated time in your child’s life, but with your love and support, it might all be a little easier. 

Related Articles

• Does your menstrual cycle change with age?
• All about periods (menstruation) 
• How to tell your kids you’re pregnant: An age-by-age guide