Supporting non-traditional moms: Tips for family and friends

Understanding different paths to motherhood

The changing landscape of modern family planning includes "nontraditional moms" and alternative journeys to parenthood that come with unique challenges. Well meaning family, friends and loved ones may struggle with understanding and supporting a nontraditional family. How do you stay sensitive while showing up for all kinds of mothers? What are common pitfalls to avoid in supporting an alternative family? Learn how to respect different experiences with practical ways to show up for someone navigating these paths to parenthood.

Encompassing single mothers, LGBTQ+ parents, those navigating IVF, adoptive and foster families, nontraditional family has no single definition or defined path. Each comes with its own unique complexities. Diving into the differences can help you show up with tangible support, so let’s get into a few common alternative family journeys. 

Single moms by choice (SMC or SMBC)

Whether it’s a planned choice or a decision based on circumstances, single parenthood is a massive undertaking. The labor traditionally split between two partners all falls onto one person, but many mothers actively and courageously embrace this challenge. Women who feel confident that they’re ready for kids, whether they have a partner or not, may face an intimidating maze of obstacles: fertility treatments, sperm donation, adoption, foster care and more. Regardless of the approach, single moms by choice are just as equipped to offer a loving, stable household to children. In fact, a growing body of evidence suggests that the traditional two-parent family structure isn’t essential for children to flourish.¹ (We’ll bust more myths below!)

LGBTQ+ parents

Parenthood for LGBTQ+ couples may start with fertility treatments, sperm and egg donations, surrogacy or other methods. The unfortunate reality is that while U.S. clinics and medical providers have tried to be more inclusive, partners in same-sex relationships still encounter disproportionate obstacles accessing fertility services. ² Inclusive language and practices can make a huge difference in positive outcomes for LGBTQ+ patients and parents³ — and friends and family should strive to be equally as supportive.

IVF and fertility treatment journeys

In vitro fertilization (IVF) and other fertility treatments can take a monumental toll on hopeful parents. The emotional and physical stress of treatments, financial costs, insurance complications and the grief following failed treatments can all pile up and feel overwhelming. For different kinds of mothers going through fertility treatments, a well-informed support system is crucial.

Adoption and foster families

Whether pursuing infant adoption, international adoption or foster care placements, parents hoping to expand their family through adopting or fostering face a tough combination of patience, flexibility and mountains of paperwork. Depending on state processes and requirements from other countries, adoption can take anywhere from months to many years, and foster care placements can change at a moment’s notice. While any adjustment to parenthood can lead to sleepless nights and stress, adoptive parents have increased risk of legal, financial and emotional vulnerability.⁴

What NOT to say to different kinds of mothers

We’ve busted bad conversation starters about having kids, but what about misconceptions and myths around non-traditional family building to avoid? Here’s what not to say — and what to express instead.

Tips for being a supportive ally to all kinds of mothers

We’ve gone over what not to do, so what’s the best way to jump in and support all types of moms in your family, friend group and community? Here are ideas for practical support:

✅ Respect language and boundaries: That includes pronouns, pronunciation of names and privacy. If there’s a detail they aren’t comfortable sharing, accept their wishes. And when in doubt, politely ask them to reiterate what they’re asking of you. 

✅ Understand time commitments: Whether it’s an appointment for treatment or a court date, non-traditional family planning often has unexpected time commitments. Be understanding if they have to cancel or reschedule plans, even if it’s just to recover on the couch after a tough day. 

✅ Offer specific help: Instead of an open-ended offer like “let me know if you need anything,” suggest tangible ways you can pitch in, like helping with childcare, meals, chores or running errands. 

✅ Avoid financial assumptions: Trust them to worry about their finances. If they have expressed that money is tight, suggest free or inexpensive activities, like going to the park or library. Or host them for a meal or movie night at home. 

✅ Celebrate the milestones: Be there for the wins, big and small. Maybe they finally got a positive pregnancy test result or maybe their foster teen aced a school test. Cheer them on; the positivity can be infectious.

Be the support system they deserve

Regardless how a non-traditional family is formed, love is what makes it thrive. As someone who can support all kinds of mothers, you have the power to make a difference in your words and actions. Keep reaching out, keep learning and keep looking for ways to show up.

Related Articles 

•  What is in vitro fertilization (IVF) and how does it work?
• Fertility options for LGBTQ+ individuals: Resources and things to consider
• How to handle bad conversation starters about having kids