IT’S NORMAL TO LOSE YOURSELF
IN SEARCH OF A BABY

My husband and I both wanted children, and after we got married we decided it was time to try. At OBGYN check-ups I was always reassured I would conceive easily. Everyone does, right? How many friends get pregnant by accident, on holiday, the first month they tried? (Reality: only fun conception stories get shared.)

We knew it could take a bit longer than desired, but we expected it would happen fairly quickly. Getting a BFP became my sole mission in life. I would go from hopeful (another cycle, another chance), to hopeless and angry when AF showed up.

After an exhausting year of frustration and tears and BFNs, we did some tests. My uterus lining was the problem and treatment options were limited. This was my lowest. It broke me. I was useless, less of a woman, not worthy, and a teary mess. My husband gave me the space and support I needed to find my way again and that’s when we started fertility treatment, or phase 2 of conceiving. A much more intense version of phase 1, littered with hospital visits, check-ups, shots, pills, procedures and the demoralizing “your lining is still too thin”.

My husband needed a moment to understand how to support me and my emotions in this new chapter of our journey. At first, he thought I was too emotional, too negative. Articles about female infertility/difficult conceiving written by husbands helped him and he was once again as supportive and involved as possible.

After 2.5 years of trying, I went in for my beta test. A few hours later the nurses at our fertility clinic blew up my phone. The transfer had worked. I was pregnant! I don’t think I ever felt so much all at once, I can’t even put it into words. I called my husband at work and just sobbed “It worked!”.

Looking back, for 2.5 years I had existed but not lived. But I existed with a resilience I never thought I had in me.

I chose to share the journey with family and friends. To manage expectations and avoid constant baby-related questioning. To educate others on the difficulties of conceiving and of fertility treatment. To help someone else feel comfortable enough to speak about their own journey.

It’s normal to lose yourself in search of a baby. The longer it takes, the more it consumes you, but you can and should try to find your way back to who you are, and who you and your husband are regardless of a baby. Also, set yourself realistic goals and manage your expectations as well as everyone else’s. Remember the most sensitive of relatives and friends won’t understand what you’re going through, unless they also lived it. Help them understand so they can support you better.

Chiara, USA (2020)

The videos and stories shared here are personal and do not constitute medical advice.

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